Spreading Your Wings

Making a dream your own

Hi from tour in Saratoga Springs!

Our tour kicked off with a 3.5 hour long bus ride followed by a training class in the evening into an onstage dress rehearsal. Simply put, Saratoga Springs tour (the performing aspect of it) often feels a bit like survival of the fittest. We perform in an amphitheater on floors that feel like cement, it’s 82+ degrees, you’re covered in bug spray for the mosquitoes, your pointe shoes are melting with the heat and humidity no longer supporting you in the way you know, and every morning you wake up wondering if your joints will be able to do it all again. The reality is that we do it and make it look effortless onstage (or try to!). You almost have to laugh as it’s the pure definition of the grit and determination of a ballerina. Somehow the thrill of performing and the ritual of going to Saratoga makes it fun.

It feels wild to say, but I am writing this after my second to last show with New York City Ballet. I literally have 2 more pirouettes I “have” to ever do again. Am I excited? 🙂

The light at the end of the tunnel is so near and I kind of want to explode forward, but at the same time, trying to be super present with every tender moment around me with the people I have held closest to my heart for many years. I’m sitting in the dressing room waiting for my housemates and fellow ballerinas Mary Thomas and Olivia to finish up so we can go to our fave custard place Humpty Dumpty. If you are ever in Saratoga Springs, it’s the best—cash only highly recommend.

After making the announcement, I’m constantly asked, “how are you feeling about it all”... which is a question I check in with myself about too. While I’m not sure how I will feel tomorrow, I would say it feels like the last bits of sand in an hourglass about to fall through and you not wanting the special moments to end, but also seeing a light at the end of the journey you’ve always wanted and are almost there.

A bit like being held by your heart to your dream, people, routines, and quirks that have been home for so many years…but also pulled in a new direction and ultimately wanting to be there. It’s heartbreak in a way, but also hard to fully put into words.

I’ve been thinking a lot about how to even begin talking about it all as I worried if I spoke too soon it would impact me at work. This had been a plan for many years and made official two years ago. Not because I stopped loving ballet, but because I knew I was slowly growing into something beyond it.

Like many others, ballet was a childhood dream where I would dance around expressing myself with a sense of creative freedom and naivety. For me, that little dream slowly became my life. Countless lessons, carpools, summer programs, pointe shoes, missed birthday parties… and when I got into New York City Ballet it felt like l had achieved everything I’d ever wanted.

Shortly thereafter I was plagued with injuries so many times I nearly quit 8 times. But something told me to stick with it and to persevere and get back onstage. Each time I returned to the studio I had a new set of tools for what I later called my toolkit. It was not only wisdom for my body, but also my mind.

A common question that gets asked is about at what age do ballerinas retire. This was something I was always self conscious about in my younger years as I was only in the corps and knew I would always be there. And for a long time, I wondered if that meant I hadn't done enough. It took years to realize that someone else's title wasn't the measure of whether my career had been a success as we are all building towards something different.

My answer goes like this: it really depends. Being a professional ballerina not to mention in New York City Ballet is not for everyone. There are dancers that stay for 1 year and those that stay for 20. And with that everyone’s career is and can be different.

After I spent a few years as a ballerina and many of them on the sidelines my greatest observation that changed my mindset was how similar it was to horse racing. Aside from all of its beauty, don’t get me started as I am a mush when it comes to talking about my love for the art form. It was and is a business. You still race when you’re hurt, you are easily replaceable when you’re injured, and pushed to the side when a new exciting talent wants to enter the race.

Once I realized this, it was a really big aha moment for me as it helped me separate the business side of things with my love to dance. It makes the emotional part of the industry a lot more manageable.

I’ll get into more of this at a later time, but I’m pretty spiritual and believe that most things happen for a reason.

During all of my various injuries and bouts of food sensitivities and hyper mobility issues you name it, I realized my path as a ballerina was going to be much different than my peers. Through this time I became fascinated with the body, healing, and the food industry. Perhaps it was me trying to connect the dots as to why I was experiencing so much pain, but there was a new fire that was lit. It soon became my favorite thing to do – hours and hours of school, courses, and research cross referencing scientific journals and reddit in search for the real answers.

I realized I could test all my findings on myself to see which worked best. It almost became a game. Starting Get Golden was a natural progression as I began to realize I had a new and much different purpose beyond my ballerina identity.

Year after year as the company changes with new young fresh vibrant talent, you wonder if people think (and this is something I’m working on!) why is she still there? For me, I knew my mission and saw the vision very clearly. If I was able to build a stronger identity and business, while also being a ballerina and the only person in my way doing that was me… it seemed like a win win.

It became a stepping stone towards the expansive future I wanted.

This included years of living a double life where my ballet breaks became research sessions and supplier calls in our dressing room. In a way it was often thrilling, but also quite lonely at times with so much work. Over the past year, it became clear that it was time to make the leap as a double life is not something you can do forever, nor is ballet.

I suppose I’m writing all of this to share that it is possible to enter a career with rigid proposed trajectories and make it your own. You are the writer of your dreams and your own story and if you can just put on the blinders and truly listen to your vision and work towards it, things usually work out.

my last rehearsal ever!!!!!, custard — vanilla w sprinkles forever

Time to go get custard. More soon! We’ve got one last dance :)

Xxx

Jenelle